Age is just a number.... well kind of

So somewhere right around the time I turned 40 it hit me. I was older. It kind of creepied up on me out of no where. One day I was a young adult and the next I wasn't. I can't tell you how much this socked me in the gut and knocked me on the ground. I never envisioned myself older. Ever. That was to far into the future and when it suddenly happened I wasn't prepared for the emotions or worse the way I felt physically. I am a woman. So turning 40 meant a whole ball of wax that Mama never told me there would be days like this.

Hot flashes

Night sweats

swiss cheese brain

The ablity to go from good to evil in under an hour

pain in areas I never knew could have pain

and all those things I neglected when I was younger came back to share it's rewards on my body.

OH and loosing weight at 40 isn't the same as loosing weight at 20.

The thing was I looked in the mirror and still saw ME. Deena. I didn't (still don't) see middle age Deena I just see me, until someone takes a picture of me or a video or I walk by a window and see my refection then I jump  back startled and say WOOOH!! WHO the hell is that staring back at me??? 

I  have even become one of my "Hard to colour hair" clients. What does that mean? I have white hair that won't colour no matter what I do. Trust me, I have been a hairstylist for over 20yrs I know how to eradicate those white bastards like there is no tomorrow. But low and behold I, the hairstylist, have these straight thick white babies popping through my red curly hair. Nice... Thanks father time.

Anyways. Needless to say I was surprised that I could get older. When I turned 40 I knew it was time. Time to get my butt into gear and start doing the things I wanted to complete in my life, and also get fit because if I hurt that much at 40 what the heck was I going to feel like at 60?? And I know I am living to be a very, very ripe old age. I dreamed my death at 16yrs old. I am here for a long time, I need to feel good. Nothing scares me worse (besides death of one of my children) than growing old and decrepit. I want quality life, not quantity.

I gained a lot of weight during the years of fertility drugs I took to get boy child number 2, 3 and 4 (and the 3 miscarriages I had between boy #3 and #4) emotional eating and drugs to make you ovulate can do that to a person. Plus I had 5 kids in 6 yrs. That can do it too. Regardless it happened and at 40 yrs old after just having girl child, it wasn't going to come off easy. I was not the girl of my youth. I was middle age Deena. Things had to change.

It all began with a dream. I woke up one morning at 42 yrs old with a very clear message I had dreamed the night before. I was running and I felt free, alive in a way I can't describe in words. It was like flying- like I could do anything and that the future was open if ... and this is the part that it gets kind of freaky I--- RUN and be free--  THOSE WORDS- Those are the words - those exact words RUN and be FREE. 

I can still hear the voice clear as day. Thing is, at that time, I only heard that voice once before (well a message that was repeated several times over a course of time) and it was right. (I have heard that voice once again and it said AND NOW YOU MAKE DOLLS-  But that's another story for another day.

So I woke up that morning and thought, I am buying a treadmill.. and so began my love/hate struggle with running. I love it because it has pushed me in ways I never thought possible. I love it because it does make me feel free and I love it because I can do whatever I put my mind too. If I can take my over weight butt outside and run for miles and not die, I can do anything. 

It changed me. For the better. I am still older (in fact 4yrs older from that first run). I am not even a "good" runner. I am slow slow SLOW STILL and I have had many set backs but on que, I will have the running dream again and I know I can not quit. I have to keep going, keep running, because if not the old me will be very upset at the middle age me.

Running also inspired me to do even more.. enter Yoga. 

I started doing yoga on the advice of my friend Sylvie. Girl child broke my bones when I had her, and my hips have been a mess since her birth. She said it would help my hips and so I started to try it after my runs. It did get better. I then discovered THIS youtube vidoe and it was like MAGIC- So now yoga is part of my daily routine. It makes the boo boos go away from years of injury, birth, and whatever else that happens when you get older. It's fun! I love doing yoga challenges and youtube has several great videos. My fav instructor is Erin Motz at http://www.erinmotz.com/. I think we would be friends in real life :) WE WOULD!! So what if I am old enough to be her mom!! We would be BFFs.

I am still a bigger girl, but I feel more like myself now in my skin, even if that skin isn't what it use to be. SO although I do think that mentally age is just a number, I also think that as we age, we better start keeping care of ourselves and eat right and keep active so that our mind and body can kind of be on the same page. It won't be exactly on the same page because we are not the same person we were when we were younger and you know what? That is ok. I have come to learn that it is best to embrace the person we are today and be the best over all person that is now than to wish for the young person of  yesterday. She is still inside me. Heck, the child in me seems to have come out to play way more often these days. I wasn't half as creative in  my 20s as I am again in my 40s. Just like I was as a kid.

So  RUN AND BE FREE! Or whatever it is that makes you feel alive both mentally and physically and watch how the world unfolds for you. There is so much out there still to conquer even in older life, and you better do it now because we older people KNOW how fast time goes. This isn't a trial run, this is it. This is all we have.  I now think 40s are awesome, even if the girl in pictures doesn't look the same anymore.I feel I can take on challenges and DO IT. I have to because time is ticking and it doesn't stand still waiting for me to decide if I should or shouldn't do it. 

Run and be free. I dare you. I double dare you.